Chapter 1 – The Disappointment

“Did you just say no to me?”

“Appa…”

“Don’t you ‘Appa’ me as you sit there and defy me. I thought you were smarter than that, but I guess I give you more credit than you deserve. Park Seojun, you understand what will happen if you don’t come home don’t you? If you don’t come home now, don’t bother coming home at all.”

The blood in my veins turned to ice. Was he really doing this? Was he so obsessed with control he would keep me from my mother and siblings? I stared at the black and white photo in my hands and knew in an instant what I had to do. This was my responsibility, and I wasn’t going to walk away.

“I’m sorry, Appa. I can’t. I can’t come home.”

“Don’t call, don’t visit.”

“Appa, please…”

“Don’t show your face in Korea. You will not get a dime from me ever again.”

“Dad, I’m begging you.”

“From this moment on, you are no longer part of this family.”

I can still hear my mother’s gut-wrenching scream that followed my father’s words like it was happening at this very moment. It continues to haunt me, even six years later. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to her and heard her sweet, gentle, thick Filipino accented voice call me her Jun-Jun. I’d give anything for her to yell, “Aynako Jun-Jun!” when I did something stupid or surprised her. She was my lifeline and being kept from her was having my heart and soul ripped from. My father knew that being separated from my family would mean I would never feel complete, but he still tore me from them.

No matter how much I had pleaded for him to hear me out and let me explain myself for my defiance, he wouldn’t hear a word of it. When I had made that call, I knew my life was changing. I just didn’t expect it to change like this. When the “click” on the other end sounded, I’d unwillingly severed ties with my family. I would bear the Park name, but I’d no longer be tied to them in any other way. Not even my name Seojun would remain. In America, I was known by my Western name – Johnathan or Johnny – simply because it was easier for people to say. In essence, Park Seojun ceased to exist.

Then again, I wasn’t surprised that my father stayed true to his word. Park Minjun has always been a proud man that rarely heard nor took the word “no” very well. Being the CEO of Jangsu Group for decades, he was used to getting his way one way or another. So less than an hour after hanging up on me, cards, bank accounts, funds…they were all frozen. A few weeks later, I received notices that rent and tuition were no longer being funded and needed to be paid. I’d sound like a typical chaebol or privileged trust fund baby if I complained about being cut off from money I didn’t earn, but I’ll admit it put me in a very tough spot. I was forced to find my way in a foreign country with nothing more than the clothes on my back and the cash in my wallet.

But no amount of money compared to being kept from my family. I had been blocked from contacting them by phone, email, and through social media. This meant the only way for me to contact them was to return to Korea and beg for my father’s forgiveness on my hands and knees. Had I known things would turn out this way, I would have done things differently. I didn’t have to rush into my compulsory service. I could have waited and spent more time with my mom. I would have been a better big brother to my sister. I could have tried to get along with my brother. Maybe I would have even tried talking to my dad - really talk to him. It would have been nice to have had one pleasant conversation with him. But in the end, it would have turned out like this. When the decision to stay or come home was presented to me again, I’d stay in America.

Sometimes I wonder how my absence was being explained away. My father would never allow anyone outside of the family to know his son had not only defied but disrespected him as well. Afterall, to the world, he had sent his precious son to America to go to college and took care of every financial need he had. He looked like a devoted father giving his son a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If they found out I had refused to come home, no matter the reason, I came out looking like an unappreciative, no-good son. Even if that’s what father thought, he would never allow anyone else to think the same.

Then again, they didn’t know the whole story. They didn’t know this opportunity came with strings attached. How could they know that I had begged my father to send me abroad? They couldn’t know that by letting me off my leash for a few short years, I would return only to have the leash tightened. The price of freedom was my dream. I’d be allowed to study in America only if my father chose my area of study and I gave up music for good. Since I was a kid, he would tell me singing and playing guitar was meant to be a past time I told no one of. I needed to grow out of that foolish fantasy of doing anything more than that. I was an embarrassment to him and the Park family name every time I stood on stage with a guitar.

I remember as a kid, he had told me once, “We come from a family of businessmen, not idols.” At a young age, it was engraved in our heads that if it wasn’t helping Jangsu Group progress, it wasn’t acceptable. It was hard to walk away from the thing I loved to do the most, but I was so desperate to escape the cage I’d been trapped in my whole life, I foolishly agreed to his terms.

Now that I had broken those terms, he was sending me, my siblings, and generations to come a clear message: Cross him and face the consequences.

Only I’m not the only one to suffer from these consequences now.

“Hey, Johnny,” my best friend Theo called as he nudged me with his elbow, “you good? I’ve been trying to get your attention for ten minutes and you keep staring off into space.”

I looked over at my friend beside me. I’ve known Theodore “Theo” Ramos since I came to America ten years ago. We met in college when he hit on me fifteen minutes after having just met me. I politely declined his advances and he told me he would settle for being my best friend instead. Over time, he had become like a brother to me. He’s seen me at best and stood beside me when I hit rock bottom. He’s closer to me than my actual brother and the thought saddens me.

“I’m good,” I sighed as I swirled the drink in my cup around. “I’m just thinking that’s all.”

“We all know how dangerous that is,” Mateo, Theo’s younger brother, teased. “What do you have to think about anyway? Did you meet a woman without telling us?”

“Yea right,” I scoffed before taking a long swig of the whiskey in my cup. “Like a woman would want a man like me.”

“Look at this jerk playing coy,” Theo mocked. “I’m pretty sure women are attracted to six-foot four men with gorgeous grey blue eyes, flawless skin, and look like they walked out of the naughtiest smut novel you can imagine. Not to mention your huge pe…”

“THEO!” I yelled as I felt my face turn hot. This jerk always knows how to embarrass me. 

“I was going to say personality. You have a huge personality.” I shook my head as I took another swig of my beer. “Why are you so embarrassed? You’re a good-looking guy, yet you hide under these hideously oversized clothes and thick ass glasses.” He grabbed the baseball hat off my head and tossed it onto the counter. “And this hat. It’s like you’re actively trying to go unnoticed or scare women off. Keep it up and you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life.”

“I’m not alone, I have you guys.”

Theo stared at me blankly for a few seconds. “That is the single most depressing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You realize there are plenty of women that would do anything to go out on one date with you?”

“Yea,” Mateo chimed in, “guys like me would kill for that kind of attention.”

“You can have it,” I laughed. “I don’t want it. It’s troublesome.”

“What happened to that wild, crazy, care-free Johnny I met ten years ago?” Theo asked half-jokingly. “Women, parties, booze…that guy knew how to have a good time.”

“He had to grow up really fast if you recall.”

“Do you need me to find you a date? Women find it easier to tell gay men when and what kind of man they’re looking to date.”

“Seriously Theo, I’m good. I don’t need to go on any dates.”

“When wasthe last time you went on a date?”

My mind went blank. It hasn’t been that long…right? Shit. When was the last time I went out with a woman, just the two of us outside of work? Was it two…three mo…no. Not months, definitely years. Has it really been years since I last went on a date?

“Dude, if you have to think about it, it’s been too long,” Mateo sighed.

“So I haven’t been on a date in a while,” I snapped, “there’s no shame in that.”

“Johnny, tell us the truth,” Theo said in a low tone as he put his hand on my arm, “are you having problems down there? Is it not working anymore?”

I shook my friend off, sending the brothers into a laughing fit. “I’m glad you guys are having such a good time,” I barked. “And for your information, everything works perfectly fine down there. It’s been a while, but it gets the job done.”

“Can you call it getting things done if it’s over prematurely?” Mateo teased.

“It’d still be twice as long as you. Time and size,” I joked. The younger Ramos brother grumbled to himself as he went back to drinking his beer. “Seriously guys, thank you, but I really don’t need any help. Not with getting it up or finding dates.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that Mr. Park,” a woman said gleefully. I flinched as I recognized the voice. “Does that mean you’re finally going to take me out?”

I didn’t need to turn around to know that there was a young, red-headed woman standing behind us. Pacey Henley is arguably my biggest admirer at Henley Construction – the company Theo, Mateo and I all work at. She also happened to be the daughter of the CEO and secretary to the head project manager – who happened to be her brother. She is the definition of a nepo baby, abusing her power and hiding behind her last name to ensure she never got in trouble for anything she did – including making me feel uncomfortable each time she asked me out. Despite Theo’s position in the HR department, somehow Pacey’s antics get swept under the rug once they elevate higher than him. She gets a slap on the wrist and harasses me the next day as if nothing happened.

If something like this happened at Jangsu, there’d be hell to pay. Because the family’s name and reputation were at stake, the board wasted no time rooting out people that would become problems immediately. The idea of being let off the hook simply because you were family was something I would never understand. In fact, members of the family were held to a higher standard. My father’s older brother and the original successor had been removed from the company due to a scandal. Even his children were ousted – working as entry-level employees, secretaries, and chauffeurs. Like dear old dad, Grandfather wanted to send a clear message to the family: Only perfection was acceptable. Another reason I can’t go back home.

I took a deep breath and braced myself before turning in my stool to face Pacey. “Ms. Henley, it’s a surprise to run into you here tonight,” I said with a smile. Ignoring her now only means I’d never get a moment’s peace at work.

“I’m a little hurt, Jonathan,” Pacey feigned offence, “I’ve been asking you to join me for drinks for some time and you always say you’re busy, yet here you are with the Ramos brothers drinking the night away.”

“Because he actually likes us,” Mateo mumbled into his beer bottle.

“Excuse me?” Pacey snapped. “What did you just say?”

I kicked Mateo’s leg. The idiot’s getting drunk and when he is, he can’t hold his tongue. I glanced over at Theo, signaling him to do something about his brother but the older Ramos brother just buried his face in the empty glass in his hand. Whatever she held over his head, the usually loud and outspoken Theodore Ramos was rendered speechless. He didn’t dare speak to the boss’s daughter - not even to stick up for his brother.

“What he meant was we carpooled today and it was a spontaneous stop,” I interjected. “It wasn’t that we didn’t invite you, it simply was that it wasn't planned. My apologies.”

“Then why don’t I join you?” Pacey grinned as she reached out and touched my arm. “You can buy me a drink.”

I fought the urge to yank my arm away from her. I’m already not one for physical touch for various reasons, but this just made my skin crawl. I’d rejected her advances numerous times, but Pacey doesn’t seem to notice or care that I wasn’t interested. She just acted as she pleased, making the situation even more uncomfortable.

“Ms. Henley, I apologize, but I’ll have to turn you down again,” I said as politely as I could. “I believe I have mentioned it before, but I would rather keep my professional and personal lives separate. Getting involved with anyone from work can complicate things.”

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” Theo kept whispering to me.

“Yet you drink and carpool with the Ramos brothers,” Pacey pointed out. “You seem to like to pick and choose who you let into your personal life. It hurts my feelings that you haven’t picked me. You know, there are perks to being friends with the boss’s daughter. There is that school renovation project coming up and there are several other carpenter crews bidding for the job.”

The air shifted uncomfortably in an instant. She wanted to make it clear that she controlled my financial situation. Thanks to an old family friend of my (maternal) grandfather’s, I was able to do my journeyman ship at Henley Construction – subsequently getting my carpenter’s and contractor’s license. I ended up forming a small five-man crew including myself as lead and Mateo as my assistant and we were under contract with Henley Construction. We were guaranteed at least two jobs per quarter, but those jobs could be very small and quick or larger jobs that brought in more money. Because we were a smaller and relatively newer crew, we had to work twice as hard and fast while putting out top quality work to earn our place in the company. But no matter how good we were, Pacey had the power to ensure steady work for us or bring it to a screeching halt.

However, I do have one advantage…

“Ugh, I knew it smelled over her,” my advantage gagged. Jelynne “Jelly” Morales was my other best friend and if there was anything to know about her, it’s that she absolutely hatesPacey Henley. If you’re wondering, yes, the feeling is mutual.

“What smell?” Pacey asked irritably.

“The smell over here,” Jelly said as she pointed at Pacey. “It reeks of desperation.”

Pacey gasped in shock, and I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud. Apparently the two had gone to high school together and hated each other back then. Jelly is part of my crew as a buyer but she, unlike others, isn’t afraid of Pacey.

“How many times does he have to reject you until finally take the hint?” Jelly asked. “He. Does. Not. Like. You.”

“I can’t believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that!” Pacey shouted.

“I can’t believe you have the nerve to continue to ask him out when he keeps telling you no! Johnny’s too nice to tell you to back off to your face, but really it’s getting embarrassing. It’s tacky and classless to continue to sexually harass a man that doesn’t want you.”

“Sexual harassment? What are you talking about?”

“The definition of sexual harassment is any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature, including sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal, nonverbal, or physical conduct of a sexual nature including, but not limited to any conduct that creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment, or that negatively impacts an individual's work performance.”

“Exactly what are you accusing me of?”

Jelly laughed. “Have you not been paying attention? Sexual harassment. I’m accusing you of sexual harassment. I get you can’t find a date to save your life, but trying to force him into submission is just tacky and unethical.”

“Tacky?!” Pacey gasped and I could practically see the steam rising from her head. “Jonathan and I were just having a conversation. You’re always inserting yourself in his affairs, it’s almost as if you’re interested in him!”

“Ew,” Jelly said with a gag.

“Really? I’m right here you know,” I complained.

“That big, dumb piece of eye candy is like a brother to me,” Jelly continued, completely ignoring me. “Also, unlike you, I already have a man and I didn’t have to back him into a corner to get him to take me on a date. So, one more time, leave him alone. We aren’t at work so your daddy can’t save you if I were to call the police.”

“Are you threatening me?”

As soon as Pacey took a step towards Jelly and I immediately jumped off my stool and got between the two women. I doubt either of them would refrain from throwing a punch if I didn’t.

“Ladies, I think it’s time we all took a breath and backed off,” I said sternly. “Jelly, I can take it from here. Ms. Henley, I apologize, but I’ll have to decline your request. As I’ve told you, I don’t feel comfortable getting intimately involved with someone from work.

Pacey finally seemed to get the hint because she laughed to herself and rolled her eyes as she mumbled, “Whatever.” She turned to walk away, but paused for a moment. She didn’t look back at us as she spoke once more, “You’ll say yes one of these days, Jonathan. You can count on that.”

“I swear, she’s the definition of a psychopath,” Jelly sighed.

“Then why do you insist on provoking her?” I grumbled as I rubbed my temples. “You’re always picking a fight with her making shit harder for me.”

“You’re seriously complaining? If I don’t, who’s gonna save your ass from these situations? These idiots?” Jelly yelled as she motioned to Theo and Mateo. “Look at you two dummies. You just sat there with your tails between your legs!”

“Hey! I told him to shut up and he kept talking,” Theo defended himself. “Besides, if he was more blunt with her he wouldn’t be in this situation over and over again. You need to stop beating around the bush, Johnny!”

“Most people take the hint when you’ve turned them down for five years,” I retorted.

“If you got a girlfriend, she’d have no choice but to leave you alone,” Mateo pointed out.

“For fuck’s sake.”

“He has a point,” Jelly said. “I only see positives. You’re not alone any more and Pacey stays away from you. Unless you secretly like it. Redheads are your thing aren’t they? What about a brunette? There’s a girl I know that wants to meet you. I can introduce you guys.”

“If you’re interested in experimenting, I know a guy,” Theo teased.

“Guys, enough, please,” I pleaded. 

“I’m just saying, you look like a good time.”

“What we’re really trying to say,” Jelly interrupted as she tried to change the subject, “is we don’t want you to look back on your life in ten…twenty years and regret not doing things differently.” As tough as these two are, they’re the sweetest and most gentle people you’ll ever meet.

“I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I don’t regret a single one,” I declared. “If I didn’t make them, I wouldn’t have the most important thing in my life. So, I appreciate your concern, but there’s no need for any blind dates or accidental meetings. I’m just not interested right now.”

“What I’m hearing is you might be in the future,” Ren joked.

I let out a sigh and pulled some cash out of my wallet, leaving it under my glass for the bartender. “I’m heading out before it gets too late.”

“Don’t be like that,” Jelly said as she grabbed my arm.

“I have to get home. You know I do.”

“Yea, but you don’t gotta leave like this,” Mateo said.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate them or their efforts, but I can’t afford the luxury they want me to take. My time is limited and not my own. I already spend time with those I’m closest to and care about the most. To me, time taken from them would be taking for granted all they’ve done for me. They were there for me when I was at my absolute lowest. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, they helped me to my feet with a flashlight and walked by my side to the exit. They were my family when I lost my actual family.

“We’re good, I promised,” I reassured them. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Jelly reluctantly let go of my arm and let out a sigh. She hated leaving things unresolved, but she also knew that when I shut down there was no point in trying.

“So, I can get a list together for eventual blind dates?” Theo shouted to me.

“Absolutely not,” I replied without looking back.

After leaving the bar, I drove home in silence. The noise in my head was loud enough already. In the past, I would escape times like this by listening to or playing music. I’d get lost in the melodies and lyrics, letting the artists’ emotions wash over me. It’d inspire me to pick up my guitar and play or work on a song of my own. But it’s been ages since I’ve done that. I still play from time to time, but it’s not the same. I haven’t felt the same joy I did before. It’s been years since music started to sound dull in my ears. My fingers no longer itched to strum the strings of a guitar. I lost my desire to play. I hit rock-bottom and I haven’t found a reason to crawl out of that hole yet. 

I gathered all the scattered thoughts and emotions running rampant in me before heaving myself out of my car and heading inside my house. I removed my work boots in the mudroom and put them on the shoe rack before slipping my house slippers on and heading into the living room.

“I’m home,” I called out into the darkness.

I was immediately greeted by a smile bright enough to light up the darkest of places. If Theo and Mateo were like my brothers and Jelly my sister, Adria Stewart was no doubt our surrogate mother. We met her through Mateo as he went to school with her son Tony. She had learned that the Ramos brothers and I didn’t really have active parental figures around, so she took us in as her own. She loved and cared for us like we were her own. Her kind and gentle heart made me miss my mother even more.

She walked over to give me a hug, pausing as she sniffed me. “Were you drinking?” she asked sternly. Before I could answer, she asked, “Did you drive home after drinking?!”

Well, I’m damned if I answer and damned if I don’t. That was the only response she needed to confirm her suspicions. She swatted at my arm. “Johnathan Park, have you lost your mind? You could have gotten hurt or hurt someone else drinking and driving!”

“I didn’t drink that much, Ma! I promise!” I insisted as I tried to block her swats. “I had one glass and waited a good amount of time before I left, I swear! Someone showed up and I didn’t feel like drinking any more.”

“Who? Was it that Pacey girl again? Is she stalking you now?”

I shook my head as I chuckled and pulled her into a hug. “It was her that showed up, but I’ll be fine. Jelly chased her away. Now I just have to deal with Theo, Mateo and Jelly bugging me. They think I need to start dating again.”

“This again?” she sighed. “I won’t say that I’m taking your side or theirs because I see where you’re all coming from. Dating after what happened and in your situation isn’t easy. Trust me, I know better than anyone, but it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try. They push, I push because we love you. We want you to be happy.”

“But I am happy with the way things are.”

“Honey, don’t mistake happiness for being complacent. You deserve more. You both do. Don’t let the fear of the past keep you from living in the present.” She hugged me tightly and I felt somewhat better. “I left some dinner on the table for you.”

“You cooked?”

“Lord no. I ordered from that Hawaiian place you like. Dishes are in the dishwasher, living room is cleaned up, and homework’s done and checked.”

“Thanks, Ma. I really appreciate it.”

“Anything for you, baby boy. Oh! Before I forget, I have something for you.” Adira scurried out of the room and reappeared with something in her hands. “Demi came by last weekend and dropped this off. They’re accepting last-minute applications to fill some classes or they’ll have to cancel them for low registration. She remembered you were studying engineering and she thought you might consider taking this robotics class. Didn’t you need a few more credits to get your computer science bachelors? You went there before so you don’t have to worry about getting transcripts.”

I took the flier and frowned. “I don’t know if I’d have the time.”

“Lucky for you this is a night class. The others will impose on your love life, but you know I don’t mess around when it comes to your education. You’re lucky I don’t say a word about you not putting that engineering degree to use at work. You could do so much better than Henley Construction.”

“Am I being scolded right now?”

“Of course not. If you’re not going to waste time on women, put that precious time to good use and better yourself. Go eat, I’m heading home.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll see you Sunday.”

I gave Adira a hug and walked her to the front door. I waved her off as she got in her car and headed down the road. I let out a heavy breath as I shut the door and stared at the pamphlet in my hands. Go back to school? Even if it’s a night class, I don’t know if I’d have the time. My schedule is packed as it is. My time isn’t my own. It hasn’t been for six years. I have more important things to think about than women and school.

I headed up the stairs toward my room and made a stop at the room at the end of the hall. I stood there for a moment with my hand on the doorknob. I could go on to a big company as an engineer and make a lot more money, but that would mean less time at home and that’s not something I’m willing to sacrifice.  The same went for dating. Sure women were interested when they saw me, but then they got to know my situation and that’s when things go downhill. When they find out my number one can’t be them, they aren’t interested.

I turned the knob and peeked my head in the room, smiling at the sight in front of me. “I thought you were asleep,” I teased.

“I was waiting for you.”

I swung the door open and opened my arms. They ran to me and threw their arms around my neck. “Ah, I missed you today.” They’re the reason I’ve stood still while the world around me zoomed forward. I needed to stay behind so they could walk by my side.

“I missed you too.” He’s the most important person in my life. “Dad.”